Reflecions

This has been an AMAZING end of the year & New beginnings.  I look back & sometimes it is a good thing to reflect on your past so you can see all the things you have accomplished, still want to accomplish, & add more accomplishments.

I never thought these may blessings would be heading my way.  In just a few short months ago, I dug deep & had plenty time to replenish.  My world was just so Dark that I couldn't & wasn't allowing myself to see clear.  I removed all negative energy into my POSITIVE inbox.  I took time to get to know & learn more of my family history.

This past winter was a rough one, but it gave me more time to explore & find things to do, expect being depressed I research my ancestors, I created a jewelry wall (in case I never mentioned I have a jewelry obsession), I caught up & reminisce with old friends & new friends, made certain all my school assignments were completed, cleared my mind  & rearranged my closets, rooms & my life.
I went from what seemed like, I had no life to a full & complete life.  As I look back, I see I had so much clutter & junk that I couldn't part with, but I knew I had to. Ridden some personal things that have just been there taking up room for new things, they been useless so why hold on? Because it is a security blanket, it is comfort, it is all we know & afraid to let go.

Going from watching your life slowly crumbling & then watching it go full circle like a tornado, you feel helpless, you find yourself spinning out of control, but the world doesn't stop while we were going through a whirlwind. After disaster, all we see is shattered pieces of our lives. You only see everything you've had & how hard you worked to get to that comfortable life style so now you are watching everything go down the drain & you don't know how to begin picking up those broken pieces & putting them back together again.  Even if you try to put it back together, it's not the same, the value depreciate. All these thoughts make you want to just give up because it is no way you can imagine starting over, it's too many shatter pieces, it's too much.

As I describe the feeling of disaster, my  heart & prayers go out to every one that has gone through & are still dealing with destruction; victims 911, of Hurricane Katrina, Typhoon victims, Tsunami & Earthquakes that shook up multiple countries; China ,Indonesia, Thailand, Haiti & the list goes on. I look at that & my problems & conflicts are so minimal.  I feel shame & embarrassed that I look at my life as a complete disaster & people in my own life are struggling worse than me.  I ask for forgiveness & I know if it wasn't for my spiritual beliefs I wouldn't be here today writing to the public or announcing to others that it is never to late or impossible to start over.  Give yourself some credit for all you have accomplished so far, even if  all you done that day was get up & out of your bed, you proved that you can get up & once you get up, you proceed to navigate to the next step & with that next step you performed an act. 

We can not envision another persons world & to say that we understand is in accurate.  Is there some things we can relate to? Yes. but it still not the same because we all wear different shoes, hats & clothing.
I had no ideal what my next step was or what I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve.   I just ask God to guide me & vowed to let him lead.  I knew that I wanted to continue to build my family Foundation for our youths & communities, but what was going to be my next strategy.  I didn't have the funding, which is the first thing you think of  & even with some of the fundraisers we've had, we had to give back to the community & hold on to it to do a next event. 

I analysis each member on our Foundation team & assessed each individuals talents, achievements, resources, motivation, education & that's when it hit me. I want a degree this time around if I do this, I am not leaving without my degree this time.  I've been to college many times, I am a repeated offender on many different levels & I am proud of all the knowledge, experience, success, & continuing education I have gained, but I never fully completed a program.  Yes, continuing education is great & beneficial because at that time I may not had the degree, but at the  all my certifications were enough to pursue a career.  This time around, I re-focused on "who am I", "what do I want", "what is my true passion", "what message do I want to perceive", "what am I good at doing"? All those questions lead to one answer, I always had a passion & contributed a lot to many people.   I like to help people, I want them to smile even if they've had a bad day, I want them to know there are choices, I want everyone to be happy, but I know it is a challenge.  The way things have spiraled so out of control.  Teachers, nurses, hospital cuts, school districts, role models, people losing their homes, so much violence, job loss, budget cuts, no school supplies, political warfare, low to basically no income, but what can I do? It's too much to fight on my own.  I knew I needed to be part of some thing, but what? I got it, join forces with people with the same goals, do some research on non-profit organizations, research on the political side of things, look into what is out there to help so many people that have mental illness, depression, anxiety & that are just lost & feel alone.  I used resources from experience & this lead me to volunteering at several places; Boys & Girls Club, MHA (Mental Health Association), Substance Abuse for juveniles & attending seminars on what is happening to our youths.
I knew that youth programming is my target because of what our Foundation stands for & the children are the future.  So if I could just give one child hope, I've accomplished a whole lot.

 I've took off a couple of years from the workforce, not intentionally, but it was meant for a purpose that I can see "now" see.  You cannot see much when you are in the midst of worries & trouble.  Going back to college as a Human Service major & to soon be a college graduate has been overwhelming in a good way.  I tried my luck & applied for "work-study program", it's not some thing I am use to (especially the pay), but this is the whole purpose, coming out my comfort zone, humble myself & know it's not about the money, the recognition, but it is about me, our Foundation, my parents, my loved ones that have lost their lives to gun violence.   These are the biggest reasons I have been determined, motivated & pushed myself harder then I ever have. 
I know now what is real struggle because everything else in life seemed to come so easy in my life, but this time around, it not to prove anything, but to improve the "quality of lives" with help from people that are more experienced in this line of work.

In just 3 short months as a work-study employee, I was asked by the "Big Dog" (my boss of our dept.) if I ever thought about taken this job on long term, full-time, even after I graduate.  He went on to ask me if he could mentor me, walk me through every aspect, so if the opportunity to fight for me to get a full-time position, he be able to have something to present to his boss on how I would be an assess to the team.  He went on to tell me all the wonderful things that the staff has complimented me on & from what he has observed himself.  I wanted to burst out in tears (like I did in my interview when I went for the position) I was beyond gratification, I wanted to jump up & holler "HELL YEAH" but I was all cool & told him that it's a honor & privilege. Of course, I said yes!
The job is going well & so many other blessings keeping coming my way.  I been asked to become part of SGA (Student Government Association), to help teach a course this summer, & my classes I managed to get all "A's" this semester. Have to say, I'm making a major breakthrough, but this is ONLY the beginning.  I have to always continue to research & see what else is out there, how can I stay in the network & keep my hands dirty, but clean.

The College held a Career Fair which I attended & my Instructor & Mentor advised me to checkout this one company that I would definitely be interested in because they deal with Non-Profit Organizations & also the young gentleman that would be representing the company was a former student & mention her name.  (Some times it is about who you know),  I attended the Fair & acquired &about the recommendation.  The process from the beginning of the application is pretty hefty & demanding.  It isn't your typical application & I didn't really understand what they were all about or represented.  But me being juswhoim, I researched and I got a little discouraged, just for a 2nd to do the essay application.  I knew that if I did get a chance, it would be awesome.  Paid internship for 10 months, medical benefits, other benefits including help with housing, paying for college, a $5,500 bonus after completion & possible long-term employment.  WTH, you only live once & my confidence is a little more different this time. So what if I am a little bit older then the rest of the applicants, my experience usually outweighs all of that. 
Most of us have witness, college graduates that cannot find a job in their field.  After all the hard work & the money that parents put out & trying to get any scholarships that are out there can make you feel hopeless.  I am here to tell everyone, NO MATTER WHAT..NEVER  GIVE UP~ Don't use excuses for reasons to dismiss your goals, passions, & dreams. You are as young as you feel & some days, you look.  Shit today I feel like 95 & Idk how someone who really is 95 feels.  People turn & ask me for I.D. to purchase certain items or always think I am younger than I appear.   I use to take it for a joke, but now I love to challenge them & before I show my identity, I make a small wager that I can round-about their age & my children are probably their age.  I win.  I have always had winner motives, but I don't gamble (money wise). 
Well next time....I know...I know..so what I didn't keep my resolution.  I'm a busy woman.  I don't know when it will be a next time.  But when that time comes.  I will let you know how my NEW job is coming along. Yes, I am tap dancing because I finally can say, I moved on & so what if I do look back.  I have to watch my back. I have to see how far I've gotten I'm not that same person I was yesterday or 20 minutes ago.

Now I am eagered to learn again & revise that resume, take off some of those old & useless jobs & when I have time, I hope I  will be able to share my next accomplishment. "I'm Making a Difference".  How about you?
 
#JUSWHOIM